Hi. It's been more than 3 months since I blogged in blogger. I don't know what to say now...I wrote them all out on my mind already, so much so that it's blank now. It's alright if you didn't get what I just said.

Anyhow, I'm back from NS for good. I'm tumblring my experience here. It'll be a (more than) half a year project. It's just absurd to cramp more than 84 days of journaling into 84 days of tumblring with so much going on.

I feel like officially stop blogging here, till I read blog posts of ppl I follow. I think i'll still stick with stop blogging here. I won't even tumblr much. I have to study. I have 2 or 3 tumblrs to manage. You know why I said I don't wanna blog, and it's evident to me that I like tumblr more than blogspot? because nobody reads 'em, okay, nobody "likes" my posts. That just sounded really pathetic. Well, of course, I blog for myself, to express myself. But some encouragement doesn't hurt. I don't want people to know what's going on in my life(because that's what I usually blog about) because I don't know what's going on in their lives.

In Tumblr, at least I know who likes my post or reblogged. Knowing that I've encouraged someone, because I get encouraged by reading other people's post or looking at pictures which inspires me.

Promoting Tumblr on blogger is just bad. Blogger had been my companion. It was only for a certain season of my life. At least 5 years. I am grateful. I blogged most in 2009, and the least this year, including this post, it's only 20. More than 9 times lesser.

I shall write what I planned to write, now. Thinking...

1. 2011

2. 2012

2011 have been the most eventful year. Being 18 is so not cool as I thought it was. Okay, it's quite cool actually. Driving is not. I'm not looking forward to it. Traffic scares me. I might change my mind about this. I just wrote a confusing paragraph. That just showed the state of my mind, how fickle it is.

I shall make it clearer

Why is being 18 cool:

Why is being 18 not cool:

no, this is not working. 18 is the age where I don't need my parents permission to go to a camp, officially.

College or Uni? NO WAY. It's another world. I'll never fit in or belong , as if you're meant to fit in or feel belong. You are called to be set apart. Even now, I don't belong. Though I'm told I'm accepted, I don't feel that way, even if you tell me over and over again. Because we'll never be accepted by everyone, except for God. I know why, they are just mere words. No action, no sincerity, nothing. Perhaps most everybody goes through this. Searching. Search of Identity.

Speaking of Identity. I wonder when will I ever have those being-oneself-talking-so-much-and-so-annoyingly moments. I got to experience that again only for a couple of Wednesdays and Thursdays. Which reminded me so much of the old school days. Move on.

I miss X. But what else would I talk to X about? Chatting in school and over the internet is so differently. X has a special someone. When you have a special someone, that who you'll be thinking about and talking to most of the time. I don't wanna annoy X. Perhaps X is thinking that same way. No one made a effort. I don't wanna talk about studies. So boring and so fake.

I miss Y. It's good to talk to Y because Y listens, unlike all others. But Y couldn't be bothered.

Z is being too nice.

That moment of heart beats fast. Full stop. Only for a while. Thank God.

2011, I've moved on. I don't want a 21st post so I'm crammin' everything up here.

Managed to move on from crush on a stranger after so many years.

I sent so many unspoken messages to my girlfriends. If I'm in their shoes, I'll be confused. Which is good. It wasn't intentional.

Wanted to be like everyone else, unknowingly. We're all fighting this battle and I nearly died.

Mom kept tell how sick and ugly I look. My hair. Occasionally she'll tell me I have nice features. I'm lazy. Lazy and forgetful to put sun-screen or face powder on my face when I go out. Freckles. Lose weight. I'm happy the way I am, for now. Who knows the layers of FAT might keep me warm in hard days to come. WWIII rumors. Which is why I collect junk and don't give away my clothes now. I want to give it personally. I handled the clothes to be given away before and I didn't like it. My trash now might be my gold later. You might tell me my mentality is wrong. That's how I think now. There's no right or wrong in these, especially when there's a because, especially in things that may seem stupid to you only. Learnt that from the Confidence Series, the speakers were really transparent. Yes! You can see through them, you sarcastic one. It's okay if you didn't get it.

My hair. My inherent short neck (paternal grandfather). Double chin. Big headed. You think I want it? I think they're symptoms of neurofibramatosis. My head was humongous when I was born. Like ET. So my mother told me.

I want 2012 to be a year of giving to the needy.

2011 was adventurous. It was a year I was away from home most. Away from homeland as well. The most eventful year. Starting off with Korea, advancement camp, Sabah, National Service, and youth Camp. That's nice about 18. You get to go away alone with others.

I think I'm meant to be a lone ranger. Perhaps it's just MY OWN only child mentality. The problem is me. No no no. I don't agree with "There's nothing wrong with you!" talk when it comes to this matter. Hear me out. "There's nothing wrong with you." Is a lie to some extend. I didn't say it's a lie because it's not. It's only a lie to some extend. But, oh! WAIT! A lie is still a lie. White lies, black lies, lies are still lies. Okay, I conclude that a lot things have a BUT. There's no one way solution, with SALVATION as the exception. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, no one goes to the Father except through Him.

I don't know how to talk. Not speak. I'm not mute. A lot of times I don't know what to say next. It's a challenge to be myself when it comes to not knowing what to say. I've observe how people with many friends and well-liked talk. I'm not trying to be like them, I guess, just learning the good stuffs. In the meantime, I have to rmb to be myself. I tend to confuse ppl at times. We are constant. We can't stay the same. Change the bad stuffs.

And they(people) say I'm good at talking. I think not. Only when I know what to say. I'm bad at conversations. Ah, the problem is me. Mother says I should change the way I talk, to her and other people, or I'll suffer when I'm working and all that. You might be giving an applause to her right now.

my principle: WHAT ARE WORDS IF YOU DON'T MEAN THEM WHEN YOU SAY THEM

so I won't say it, sing it, or play it. If I listen to a song, google the lyrics, and didn't like it and it's something I don't believe in. I won't sing it, I won't play it, I will refrain from listening to it. All the Cs, Contemporary, Christian, Christmas Carols, and an O-Oldies.

It's just my principle of life. Don't have, don't find a problem with it because it's not your principle. If you wanna apply it, be my guest. If you have been practicing this, then, Hi 5! We're not alone.

If you made it here, not skipping, Congratulations for reading. I've just expressed, revealed, exposed myself. I hope I won't have nightmares tonight. Vulnerable.

It's true. Girls will believe a lie more than the truth.

2012. Nerding. Giving. Living.

Gaddafi is dead. the North Korean president is dead too. A lot of people didn't make it through Christmas 2011. A lot of people didn't and won't make it to 2012. Be grateful that you're still alive and can read this. This "not making into 2011 or 2012" thought came from Pastor Henry. I'm anticipating 01 Jan 2012 to listen to what God has to say some more about 2012. It's less than a year till the notorious 21 12 12 end of the world.

My cousin told me, "We won't be here already. We'll be *points up*." When I told him he can go overseas (other places) next year, next next year. Children knows. He's 10 next year. He packed his luggage that day.

"At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit, said,“I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this is what you were pleased to do.

²² “All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows who the Son is except the Father, and no one knows who the Father is except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.”

Luke 10:21-22

How will next year's political climate be with 2 dictators down and protests by the youths? Would it be better or worst? I am sure the natural climate will be worst. All in all, God is in control and is sovereign. I disagree with the my class teacher in NS. He said something along the lines about Allah is not concerned, does not care about politics. Now I know why there's none Allah-fearing men in politics.

I need to live more. Not type more. Maybe not.

I read two books today. One about a boy, how a boy, Tony, thinks. It's by Judy Blume. I like the way he thinks. So straightforward. I admire his principles, but not his habit. Then I read a 13 page e-book, the Velveteen Rabbit. I watched half a movie inspired by the book a couple of days ago on nt7 and I teared. Because it's touching. I teared when I saw a Youtube video on the scene in Tangled when she is united with her parents. And also this girl wanting her father home for Christmas. The best gift ever. The message is clear and same as the Velveteen Rabbit's.

Don't rush. Or you'll miss the essence in the lessons. I won't and I don't. That's why I am where I am right now. Another principle, SLOW & STEADY. QUALITY over quantity. I went slow and steady in NS. Those hiking journeys. One of the Staff and a couple of Cikgus. "Even if it means you're the last one?" "Yes, even if it means I'm the last one." Unlike my friends who walks fast, because it's tiring- wanna reach early. So, I was the last one. With no regrets.